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I think it's safe to say matter of factly that everyone has a coping mechanism. A way of dealing with whatever lemons life throws their way. And I don't mean the making lemonade one. People are different and so are their ways of coping with the pressures of life. For some, it is going to the gym, for others it is cooking or sleeping or eating or reading or talking about it. Some may opt for punching walls or even choose to self harm. It all depends on what kind of person you are or maybe what type of pressure it is. When people ask me how I cope with everything I often say music and a warm shower because for the most part, it's true. What I however forget to mention (deliberately) is the long crying sessions in-between the showers. I also forget to mention the ones in-between the naps, the ones in-between the study breaks, the ones in the bathroom on campus or at a mall. I even forget to mention the ones I have to cover my mouth in the middle of the night for so I don't wake everyone up. And no it's not as bad as it sounds. I'm not completely broken. Maybe just a little. I think the reason I don't mention it though, is because it is not a commonly understood type of outlet. It is not so normal to sit in an auditorium and just give a cry show as it is to sit quietly listening to music, because then it's not so weird. But if I am being honest, for me, it is most probably the best form of outlet there is. It definitely does not feel like it in the moment, but for some reason when the heavy breathing and sobs are over, there is a calm that follows. Now I am not here to promote having reasons to cry because no one wants those. I do however want to make it known that if you are like me and you silently cry behind the closed doors with only tears flowing and even forgot the sound of your own cry because for the longest time you've mastered the art of silent cries, then just know there's really nothing wrong with that because at the end of the end of the day, that is what helps you through the midlife crisis. I'm probably writing this more for me than anyone else, but for what it is worth, I am hoping that someone finds it worth their time. The misconceptions surrounding tears is that it alway has to be seen as a sign of weakness or a sign of bad news or more commonly, a sign of softness. And not at all in a good way. I do sometimes wonder if it has always been like that. If crying always been perceived the way it currently is. If it has always had the meaning that our parents and grandparents seem to be stuck on. I just wonder because I sometimes feel like if more people cried when they needed to, there would be a lot less broken people with smiling faces. I sometimes think crying does more good than bad. It lets you release pain. I don't know how, but it just does. And in no way does it emasculate anyone. If anything, it confirms you can still feel. That you are still human. It's been a while since I last cried. I don't know how to feel about that honestly. It's one of two things. Either I have had no reason for an outlet for a couple of months now, or I have become numb and I honestly have no idea which of the two is the answer. If anything, I fear the latter might be true because I often always have a reason for an outlet. Which is why I worry I might have become a bit too desensitized to situations and people to feel at all. Do you ever feel like that? Like you have felt so much in the past and then all of a sudden it just stops? All of a sudden the things that used to hurt don't hurt so much anymore or maybe even at all. Maybe that is a good thing. I hope it is, but then maybe it's not. I can't help but think about that. Anyways, back the topic of coping mechanisms, I know at the beginning of the conversation I assumed everyone to have some sort of thing that pulls them back to life when those situations come around because I pray to God everyone does. I also hope it is a healthy one. A none pain inflicting or self harming kind because, in as much as internal pain hurts a hell lot more than physical pain, I would never wish for anyone to find comfort in harming themselves. No human being deserves to feel better about themselves only through causing themselves more pain. There is actually no practical reason for why I wrote this piece. It's more of just an insight I had and really wanted to share with anyone who would read since it's been a while without any updates. That there's no shame in shedding tears if and when needed. If you have something that helps you pull yourself out of a dark place that contains a lot less pain and a lot less tears, that's absolutely amazing and I'm glad you do. We all should. But if you choose to keep things bottled up because you're not weak enough to break down or perhaps just don't know how to, not even when you are on your own, I hope you realize how much you are hurting yourself. We are not strong enough to have everything we experience all locked up inside. No one is. So whatever works just do that and let it out. Even if it's screaming at 2 AM and waking up the whole neighborhood. Jokes. You might probably get sued for that if there's such a thing. But seriously, if it does get to that, then you do that. We all deserve a little sigh of relief and a light feeling one gets when a weight has been lifted off their shoulders. Even if it is not completely gone.